Mirror, mirror……You got me.

I don’t know about you, but I have an interesting relationship with mirrors.  There are some days when we are best friends and those, of course, are the days when it tells me how thin, beautiful, kind and level-headed I am.  There are other days when all I want to do is hurt it.  I imagine doing something like throwing my hand into it or putting a sheet over it.

I’m realizing, lately, that the problem I have isn’t really with a reflective inanimate object.  To be honest, I would have preferred that problem to the one I actually have: the problem with myself.   I’m getting deep here – metaphorical and real mirrors, people.  Am I alone in this?

The worse my attitude is the less appealing my body appears to me.  It’s not something I ever thought to put together.  There are days when I wake up well rested-ish (I was going to say well rested, but that doesn’t really happen to parents), I have my coffee in hand and it’s drunk while still hot, my face is good and clear, my kids aren’t fighting and I get to work on time.  On those days, it’s a pretty good bet I’m going to feel and act great for most of the day.   Now, if my coffee spills, or my kids are stressing me out, or work has gotten away from me,  my attitude shifts and BAM; there goes everyone’s day.

It gets worse if my good fitting pants are in the wash and the only shirts I have left are loose and/or ratty. Those are the moments that I know the world is ending. Continue reading “Mirror, mirror……You got me.”

You might be a parent if…..

1.   Someone asks you if you know the name to that song, but all of your guesses involve Daniel Tiger or the ABCs.  Remember when you used to know the title of every song and artist on the radio?  Luckily you still know those songs.  Unluckily, they are no longer in vogue.  I get a lot of, “Who is that?  Never heard of them.”  The only new songs you know are sung by children and/or animals.  Fake animals.  You aren’t that far removed.  I hope. Continue reading “You might be a parent if…..”

Who I was is not who I am.

I want you to have an idea of where I come from mentally, so I’ll give you a (hopefully quick-ish) background on me.

Once Upon a Time……

JUST KIDDING. When I was younger I was pretty depressed.  I don’t know that it started off with a reason.  I was mad about my parents getting divorced, but really, so many people have divorced parents, and they didn’t all make the decisions I did.  I’m not saying it didn’t affect me, but I had a choice to make in it.  I chose to hate (for a while) my step-dad.  I don’t know that I’d call it easier (do you have any idea how much energy goes into actively hating or even despising someone??  A hint: a lot.), but it sure did give me an excuse to do and say the things I did.  I felt about the same for my step-mom.  I can’t even remember being mad at anything or anyone else that affected me except for guys.

I developed quicker than most girls in my grade, and boys picked up on that.  There were 3 instances that I can count were I was….violently pressured, sexually, with guys my age. That was in junior high. Continue reading “Who I was is not who I am.”

They were meant to be courageous….And so much more.

Did you know that today is a holiday?  Well, technically not.  Much like mother’s day, if I haven’t gone to sleep yet I’m counting it.  It’s even celebrated in 59 countries.  I know that because I looked it up on Wikipedia and everything on Wikipedia is 1000% truth. Continue reading “They were meant to be courageous….And so much more.”

We don’t need to settle, so why have we?

*Editor’s note: This piece was written 4 years ago (2015), and while I still believe these things, I don’t feel they were represented or stated clearly. To be clear: We serve a sovereign God, a God who is capable of complete control, but who does not TAKE that complete control. He has given us free will, and we can (and detrimentally often do) choose to not allow Him in. When we become born again Christians, we give ourselves over to Him; we give Him the reigns and He will steer us. Without doing that, we aren’t allowing Him to move in us or through us. We cannot blame Him for every death, disease, hurt that comes our way when we won’t allow Him in. The death, disease, and hurt that are rampant in the world are because we live in a broken and dark world; a world that the devil roams and devours. Things happen because we either are or are not following His plans for us. In short, if we are not for God, walking with God and following after Him, we are going the opposite direction. If we aren’t for Him, it counts as against Him and we do not have His protection. At anytime, Christian or not, we can cry out and say, “God, I can’t do this anymore, I need you,” and He will come. But don’t demand separation and be surprised that He gives it. He waits for you. 

There is that devastating moment in life when someone close to you dies, or someone close to someone you’re close to dies.  It’s sad and it’s hard.  You know what doesn’t make it better?  Saying that it was God’s plan.  Saying that God ordained that death or that He needed another angel.  Saying that we can never understand God’s plan until we get to Heaven.  God does allow death, obviously. God does have a plan and it is perfect, obviously. God’s plan will always be better than any plan we come up with, obviously. We are not meant to understand His plans until Heaven, obviously.  However, knowing the obvious as truth doesn’t make those statements truth. Continue reading “We don’t need to settle, so why have we?”

Shades of something.

I’m sure that it wouldn’t take much for you to figure out what this post is about.  I mean, everyone and their brother has written about it; their brother, their brother’s friend, the friend’s cousin, the cousin’s sister, the sister’s mom – you get the picture.

In the interest of full disclosure I need to preface this by saying that I didn’t do any sort of in-depth research on the subject.  I have watched interviews with the author and cast of the movie.  I’ve read excerpts from the book and clips from the movie.  I’ve read articles for and against the books and movie(s).  I’ve talked to friends who both like and dislike the series.

What I see a lot of is people saying that it’s a love story.  A tale of two people who meet and fall so madly in love that it hurts to be apart.  How romantic it is to have these consensual relations that gratify a person (yes, that was meant to be singular).  An instance of a woman allowing this man to have a relationship in his brokenness – how brave, how courageous of her. Continue reading “Shades of something.”

Let’s talk about sex.

That’s probably going to be the most popular tag line I’ve ever come up with; that can be both good and bad.  Obviously I can’t get that stupid, horrible song out of my head now, which is bad.  The bad could also be that you saw the tag line and clicked on it for all the wrong reasons.  Of course, the good is that no matter the reason for clicking on it, you will actually read what I have to say (hopefully – I don’t just write to hear myself……..write…?). Continue reading “Let’s talk about sex.”

What is love?

Yes, it was completely intentional that you read that blog title and immediately follow it up with singing to yourself, “baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more.”    While a horribly written sentence, the validity of it is maintained.  Then again, that was probably the point, right?  If you have no idea what I am referencing, I am torn between feeling both sad for you and envious of you.  I am a complex  person, but I’m a generous one:

You’re welcome.  Also, good luck getting that out of your head.

Now that you have that delightful little diddy playing in the background, let’s continue, shall we?  I was reading a blog post the other day by a favorite blogger of mine and she was talking about loving your neighbor.   Reading it got me thinking, do we do that enough?  Do we really do it at all?  Okay, maybe I should change those “we” words to “I.”  I know that I am pretty tolerant and accepting (even if I don’t agree with you, I try to give you respect and grace; and dare I say it, love) of people in general, but is that the same as loving? Continue reading “What is love?”

Motherhood is rose-ish.

Beauty.  Excitement.  Joy.  Inspiring.  Love – endless and incomprehensible.  Learning.  Changing.  Tears.  Overwhelming.  Fear.  Anxiety.  Sadness.  Hard.  Hardships.  Defeat.

My children are currently 4.5 (almost 5 – gasp!) and 1.5, and yet all of those words (and more) are words that I would use to describe motherhood.  I have had the privilege to experience every one of those emotions and/or bodily functions.  Maybe, since this is about motherhood, poo should have been mentioned up there somewhere; it’s not like we can ever get away from it.

When I see newly married couples in the afterglow of a fresh night’s sleep and basking in their unwavering attention and love for each other I feel two things: happy and jealous.  Happy because I remember those days, and I remember them fondly.  I wouldn’t begrudge anyone that feeling.  Jealous because I would really, really like a full night’s sleep.  The other stuff I still have.  I mean, that love and attention is buried a little, but I still have it.  What I don’t have is sleep.  I miss it.  When these couples ask about motherhood and say, “We just can’t wait to start a family,” I see that rosy hue to their eyes.  I remember how I thought it would be. Continue reading “Motherhood is rose-ish.”

That Mom.

Today, friends, I was that mom.  I was the mom that went through the store while her toddler screamed.  My preschooler calmly sat next to her minding her business, playing on the Nexus (hey, don’t judge – at least that one wasn’t screaming, right?).  Me?  What was I doing?  I had one hand on her while I laughed.  I suppose to the unknown observer it may have seemed callous; some of those “unknown” observers let me know what they thought of that.  She wasn’t screaming the whole time – I even had her laughing – but she wavered between joy and pure freak out.  Yeah, you know the one.

Walking into the store was a trial, but you know what we decided?  We decided that getting food into our sparse pantry/fridge was more important than causing a scene.  Sure, we could have turned around and left one adult at home with the tyrant toddler, but who wants to take that bullet?  I didn’t, I’ll tell you that right now.  That was actually the reason that we were out as a family.  My husband and I kept leaving the other alone with the girls and the cart to go grab something that we “forgot.”  I am thinking now that it wasn’t an accident. Continue reading “That Mom.”