Those things I was never going to do.

I’m waiting for my toddler to stop screaming “I won” from her crib (35 minutes now), knowing all the other things I should be doing (like all the clean laundry I’ll have to redry because it’s been sitting in a massive pile for 2 days), gladly choosing to write to you instead.  It could be worse; I could be sitting on the couch watching Divergent for the 30th time stuffing my face with chips.

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Clearly chips are part of my current scenario, but I’m at an upright position at a table. That’s gotta be better than being on the couch. At least I’m being sort of productive; I’m thinking about all those little things I said I would never do or say or feel with my kids that were totally insane to profess. Unless you are the personification of perfection you also have those moments, sayings, feelings. They usually happen pre-parenthood or in the early stages of it; oh the naivety.

  1. My kids will never eat bad food.  You know what? Some days I don’t have the strength or energy to make a gourmet breakfast, lunch and/or dinner.  It’s not like they’ll eat my super healthy, 5 food group meal anyway.  Today while watching Lazytown, my 5 YO said, “Mom, a hot dog isn’t sports candy, right?  So I probably shouldn’t eat it, right?”  I really wanted to remind her that I had to beg her to eat her apple for breakfast and also that the creators of Lazytown probably didn’t want her to binge watch their show from the couch all day either.  What I said was, “Sigh, just eat your lunch.” Props to me.
  2. My kid will never behave like that kid.  In my mind my kids are always well behaved, at least until the hitting and yelling starts.  I’ve been in grocery stores, church, any number of public places where one or both of my kids have had melt downs. Sometimes I left whatever place we went, but other times I deemed it more necessary to power through and finish what we set off to do.  Like buy food to eat.  As much as parents have bad days, so do kids.  Sometimes worse – they aren’t always great at understanding or controlling their emotions.  Shame on us for putting that kind of pressure on them.
  3. My kids will only watch a few minutes of TV.  Somedays, Roku is my best friend.  I’ll gladly throw some youtube toy reviews on so I can go to the bathroom alone or get 30 seconds alone or drink one fricken cup of hot coffee.  For you kids TV creators: Bless you.  Except the makers of Caillou.  I think you should seriously think about a career change.  I don’t have warm feelings reserved for you.
  4. I’ll start Whole 30 as soon as all the cheese in my fridge is gone.
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    Honestly, I mean, isn’t this one self explanatory?  It’s like I’m looking for reasons to say, “No, I’ll never join that experiment.”
  5. I’ll start exercising tomorrow.  I only get as far as researching workouts good for my body type and setting an alarm for a morning workout.  Then my alarm goes off and I hit snooze while my oldest is continuing to kick me in the back from her place in my bed and my youngest is yelling my name from her room.
  6. My kids will always feel loved and never my anger.  I wish I could say I do this perfectly.  I’m sure my kids know I love them, but it’s hard to think so as I’ve mentally replayed the events of the day.  It comes down to this: I’m overtired, they’re overtired, they’re kids and we’re all human.  I try to be perfect, but I never reach it; that’s probably part of my problem.  There are hard days and really hard days.  Those are the days when I can’t seem to stop the fighting and bickering; when everything happening makes us all crabbier.  Those are the days I don’t do so well controlling my emotions.  There are also good days and really good days.  I think those days are more frequent than the other.  It feels like they are once I stop persecuting myself.

Kids are kids and we are only human.  Neither side is perfect and we shouldn’t want to be.  Can you imagine the pressure; the stress and anxiety?  I’m not saying I want to keep yelling or screwing up, but I want to stop the blame game.  I want to take away that suffocating pressure.  I want to settle for just being awesome.

I want my kids to be happy and well rounded, so I’m not going to put pressure on them to be perfect.  I’m going to teach them that there are good days and bad days but each day is new every morning.

I want them to know that we serve a God who is more than able.  A Savior that readily forgives when we ask and a Father who loves no matter what.  I want to be the mother that He is trying to make me.

I’ll start with folding this nonsense before they wake and destroy whatever headway I’ve made.

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Go get free and remember that you will make mistakes.  You will fail and you will cry.  And that’s okay.  Tomorrow is a new day.

 

UPDATE: Laundry was not finished (or started). I’m going to go read some fan fiction and pretend to sleep. 

 

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