At this point in my life I’m a pretty sarcastic person. I think I’m hilarious. Hysterical, even. A riot. See what I did there? I’m can also be seen as a cocky person, but it’s always sarcastically cocky. There are a few who think I’m sincerely cocky. A few who think I feel I’m better than most. There are a few who think I’m judgmental, probably because my sarcasm as viewed as something truthful instead of the joke it was intended to be. Or maybe I do something else to offend them. I really don’t know.
No matter what people are saying or thinking about me, it’s got nothing on what I feel for myself. We’re the hardest on ourselves, aren’t we? If you’ve read my last post, you know how I’ve struggled with hatred toward myself. I may not have said it explicitly, but the hatred was usually for me. Even now, I find a lot of things about myself that I associate with failure. Like it’s just part of who I am – a failure. Continue reading “It didn’t take long to become a failure.”
I want you to have an idea of where I come from mentally, so I’ll give you a (hopefully quick-ish) background on me.
Once Upon a Time……
JUST KIDDING. When I was younger I was pretty depressed. I don’t know that it started off with a reason. I was mad about my parents getting divorced, but really, so many people have divorced parents, and they didn’t all make the decisions I did. I’m not saying it didn’t affect me, but I had a choice to make in it. I chose to hate (for a while) my step-dad. I don’t know that I’d call it easier (do you have any idea how much energy goes into actively hating or even despising someone?? A hint: a lot.), but it sure did give me an excuse to do and say the things I did. I felt about the same for my step-mom. I can’t even remember being mad at anything or anyone else that affected me except for guys.
I developed quicker than most girls in my grade, and boys picked up on that. There were 3 instances that I can count were I was….violently pressured, sexually, with guys my age. That was in junior high. Continue reading “Who I was is not who I am.”
Did you know that today is a holiday? Well, technically not. Much like mother’s day, if I haven’t gone to sleep yet I’m counting it. It’s even celebrated in 59 countries. I know that because I looked it up on Wikipedia and everything on Wikipedia is 1000% truth. Continue reading “They were meant to be courageous….And so much more.”
*Editor’s note: This piece was written 4 years ago (2015), and while I still believe these things, I don’t feel they were represented or stated clearly. To be clear: We serve a sovereign God, a God who is capable of complete control, but who does not TAKE that complete control. He has given us free will, and we can (and detrimentally often do) choose to not allow Him in. When we become born again Christians, we give ourselves over to Him; we give Him the reigns and He will steer us. Without doing that, we aren’t allowing Him to move in us or through us. We cannot blame Him for every death, disease, hurt that comes our way when we won’t allow Him in. The death, disease, and hurt that are rampant in the world are because we live in a broken and dark world; a world that the devil roams and devours. Things happen because we either are or are not following His plans for us. In short, if we are not for God, walking with God and following after Him, we are going the opposite direction. If we aren’t for Him, it counts as against Him and we do not have His protection. At anytime, Christian or not, we can cry out and say, “God, I can’t do this anymore, I need you,” and He will come. But don’t demand separation and be surprised that He gives it. He waits for you.
There is that devastating moment in life when someone close to you dies, or someone close to someone you’re close to dies. It’s sad and it’s hard. You know what doesn’t make it better? Saying that it was God’s plan. Saying that God ordained that death or that He needed another angel. Saying that we can never understand God’s plan until we get to Heaven. God does allow death, obviously. God does have a plan and it is perfect, obviously. God’s plan will always be better than any plan we come up with, obviously. We are not meant to understand His plans until Heaven, obviously. However, knowing the obvious as truth doesn’t make those statements truth. Continue reading “We don’t need to settle, so why have we?”
Anyone who has read just about anything on this blog has to know that I am often in a bitter struggle with myself. Choosing to see the glass half full, I have to acknowledge that at least half of the time I am the one that wins those battles.
I can say that, but I’m not always a glass half-full kind of person. The thoughts of all the times I’ve lost to myself are significantly louder. I don’t know if it’s the change in seasons, the spiritual change or just the things I am immersing myself in, but lately I don’t feel light. I don’t feel fuzzy. I don’t feel like being my gloriously witty self. I think that these are times we all go through at some point or another. They are times I am still learning to power through. I have been a Christian for over a decade, and I’ve been around–well, I’ve also been around for more than a decade, and these are still hard waters for me to navigate.
There is this song called “Give Me Faith,” by Elevation Worship and there is a line in it that says, “I need you to soften my heart and break me apart. I need you to open my eyes to see that you’re shaping my life.” When I am going through these seasons, I actually do harden my heart a bit. I mean, it’s not like I wake up in the morning and think, “Hmm, ToDo list for today: make bed, get kids dressed, make breakfast, harden heart, make coffee, drink coffee.” It’s natural, especially if you don’t deal with it, for your heart to begin to callous as you get hurt, as your feelings are hurt or sometimes even seeing the injustice in others. Continue reading “I am my own worst enemy.”