Oh Parenthood….

Church this morning was so good!

Since Maya wakes up at 7:30/8 her nap time usually runs during church (10:30/11) – whether or not she takes it is another story…Anyway…During worship she snuggled right into me and fell asleep.  Let me just interject here to say that that is one of the best feelings in the WORLD – THE WORLD.  When worship was done and as we were doing the tithe I became overwhelmed with gratitude and adoration and love.  Both for my Savior and my daughter.  As I looked at her face I couldn’t help but profess my gratitude and disbelief that God gave this perfect little girl to me – Dave and I.  Even now I can’t believe that I get to have her, teach her, be with her, be the one she runs to when she has a scraped knee or when she has her first crush (or heartbreak).  God has given me the most amazing gift and person I could have ever even imagined.  If I’m being honest, I don’t think I could have imagined her.  I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.  I mean, WOW, God…..THANK YOU…

I want to clarify something: when I say perfect, I don’t mean it in its literal state because only God is perfect, no man/woman can ever be.  When I became a parent (and even until a few weeks ago – she’s only 17 months!) I had this idealistic image of Maya’s attitude and behavior, c’mon – you know the one.  She was never going to get angry with me, she was going to do whatever I said, even if she didn’t like it, and she wouldn’t throw tantrums.  I’m not that naïve, I knew that there would be times that we didn’t agree and that we fought, but I was imagining more of a quiet submission simply because she knew I was Mommy and she was the child.  Maya is not bad – at all, but she’s entering the toddler stage, showing her independence and testing her boundaries: TOTALLY NORMAL.  But when you’re not prepared for it, it breeds weariness in the parents.  I wasn’t prepared for it.  Instead of reacting as I normally would, I got frustrated and at times angry.  Today, going into church I didn’t even realize that I was harboring guilt and shame about that.  As I looked at her, though, I saw it.  Not only did I see it, but God showed me her perfection in it.   She has perfection in that she is perfect for us – for Dave and I as parents.  God showed me that the things that frustrate me are some of the things He is going to use in her.  She is going to stand up for her faith – a faith that is already quite strong in her – seriously.  She loves her God.  She is so sweet and so loving and well-behaved, and my favorite part – she is such a worshiper!  When we arrive at church she will point and say “chuch” with her hand raised.  When the worship starts she goes right to the altar – no holds barred – and lifts her hands up to the Lord while dancing.  At the end of the songs she claps her hands and shouts, “Yay!”  It still makes me emotional.  And those same things that frustrate me are things that make her…her.  That’s the other part of her perfection for me – in that God MADE her.  She is still an innocent babe. Of course that sin nature is there (she has recently learned “no,” and I suspect “mine” is not far behind) but I say again – perfect FOR US.  Just wow.

The other aspect that God has been showing me is that some of those things about her frustrate me because I have those qualities in myself, and I have so much guilt for showing them to her – teaching them to her.  I am quick to anger, and boy are kids perceptive!  I’ve taught her how to react when things don’t go right, and I am ashamed.  I’m not writing this to get vindication or to get responses of, “oh no, not true.”  1. Because it is true and 2. I just want to share what God is revealing in me.  I think that A LOT of parents go through some shame and some guilt and maybe a feeling of you messed up and can’t recover.  That’s sort of where I am – where I was.  God, however, doesn’t see it that way.  God gives us grace and mercy and there is no condemnation IN CHRIST.  Yes, God knows when we screw up and when we’ve made mistakes (remember: He is God and knows all and we are human and fall short) God has been showing me lately the insecurities I have about myself (I didn’t realize a person could have that many!) and how I am letting them interfere with my relationships: relationships with friends, my husband, my kid…It’s not healthy, and God wants us to be healthy.  He’s teaching me that.  So this morning I repented and made decisions to cut out the unhealthy and turn to God instead of beating myself up…Thank you!

This post was meant to be funny and cutesy…………..Well….I guess that didn’t happen, huh?

On the lighter side, I was watching the Pro Bowl when Maya and Daddy finished bath time and when Maya heard the sounds of football she turned around lifted her hands in the air and then clapped.  I was about to say something kitschy like, “‘atta girl,” but then she went a step further.  Aaron Rodgers came on the screen with his Packer helmet on and she pointed, turned to me and said, “Packer, yay!” and clapped!!!  Oh my gosh – SOO PROUD OF HER!!!  I wanted to freak out but I willingly settled for tight hugs snuggles and saying, “That’s my girl!”  Also….79 words…..I forgot Church, pray and today she said Packer and Tummy.  She also keeps saying “Peak,”  at seemingly specific times and pointing to something I can’t figure out…..I have NO idea what she’s saying!  Any tried and true methods to figure out toddler language?  She also says, “tish” but I think that MIGHT be touch…..Although she occasionally says it when she doesn’t touch something….I don’t know – it’ll come!

Well, my babe has been asleep for 3 1/2 hours now – time for me to head that direction….It’s so weird that I can barely make it up past 11 now when I used to be last in bed at like 2 and 3 AM!  Oh the joys of parenthood – I really do like the wake up early go to bed early; makes me feel more normal!  So yeah, onto the bed thing! 🙂

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